2008-07-24 - 5:56 p.m.

For probably the first time since I've been working here, I'm writing an entry while at work. I don't want any word of what I write here to be traced back to me because I was logged on to this site at work. If something goes awry as a result, I guess I'll just call it a very foolish experiment.

Here I am on yet another late day of work trying to get these videos done. The end is within reach, but so is the week. This will definitely keep me working in to the weekend. However, at the same time, I'm really fried. Today was definitely not meant to be a day of work.

I didn't need to be there, but I went to the morning meetings, I was a bit social, and it was just a nice way to blow off work since I've been here until around 8pm the last few nights. I just never really found myself in the mood to do my editing work. I did get a few things done, and I do know that this will be an easy edit. I just don't have it in me. I need to recharge my batteries. I had all of these plans to call in sick one day this week, but I just keep coming in even when I know I don't have it in me to get it done that day.

One of my old coworker friends made her way out here for lunch, so that was fun. Another guy from across the street also joined us. It was fairly brief compared to what I thought it'd be, but again, it was a good distraction.

Then what I just came from... I edited a little more and headed over to help "fill the room" as they put it to me. It was an internal signing for a book that I helped make a video for a few months back. My attendance wasn't mandatory or anything. Surely I have this edit to do, but I thought it might have been wink-wink compulsory... you know, it's good to go along with your bosses all hanging around in one place. So I went. It was incredibly awkward for me. I didn't come with anyone, and there was really nobody there on my level per se: that of a worker bee. The VP was kind to say he thought I'd enjoy something where I'd get to mingle since I joked about how these people got to do it all the time, but yeah...

It's business for sure. Everyone was talking shop and mingling on a managerial level while I was just observing. The problem is that you can't observe. You can't hide behind a camera if you didn't bring one, or in this case if they weren't allowed. It was just strange. Even the water was strange; it was carbonated with a slice of lime in it. I'm a very plain water kind of guy. Who needs fizz in water of all things?

While I futilely tried to remain invisible, these people were alive in their element. I never truly wanted to reach this lavish stratosphere of making things happen. It was almost like I was the son at Take Your Kid To Work Day. I felt so removed from the trenches; by my posture and presence, it was apparent how I am still quite in the trenches... and how people who I assume do at least something of that nature don't do much at all after all. So yeah, I was totally out of any semblance of my element.

And now I'm back. I'm ready to keep editing. Somebody has to. I don't like the idea of shouldering all of this work, mostly because I don't know what it does for me at the end of the day to do that much more than I should be doing. Well, whatever. I had my 2/3 glass of wine. I had a little taste of the obligatory laughing and conversation. It's back to the trenches for me.

Oh yeah, and the here's the last thing I'll mention. Because of low enrollment, they decided to cancel my editing class. It's disappointing, and it's the reality of the situation sometimes. However, talk about a total momentum killer. I start figuring out how to teach, and then I can't even begin perfecting things where I left off. How's that for quite the day it's been?

I wrote a very soft "what the fuck?" kind of letter to the chairman, who'll probably bullshit me something back whenever he gets to it. If you know who I'm talking about, you definitely know. So yeah, it's just been quite the day of ambivalence. Thanks for the rain. Thanks for the feeling of growth stunted.